We All Might Need to Stop Making Fun of the England National Team Soon

The recent success of England’s youth teams might mean the choke job jokes are coming to an end.



England fans are kind of like Buffalo Bills fans. In regards to the Bills, everyone else knows the team is average at best, but Bills Mafia always finds some way to overlook pure facts and set big expectations. “This is the year.” But it’s not the year. It never was “the year”, and it well may never be “the year”. For England fans, it’s the exact same story but it occurs every two years when the Euros or the World Cup comes around. Before each major tournament, they take a look at the team, completely blinded by bias, and see no reason why that year wouldn’t be the year.  Nevermind the fact that Rob Green might be your starting goalkeeper or Roy Hodgson might be your manager. What could possibly go wrong, right?

But then things like this start to happen…

David Beckham Red Card 1998 WC

And this…

Frank Lampard No Goal 2006 WC

How could anyone forget this one…

Rob Green’s Howler 2010 WC

Or this one…

Suarez Goal vs England 2014 WC

And last but not least (one of my favorite videos ever)…

Iceland Goal vs. England 2016 Euros (with Titanic music)

When all is said and done, the country that invented the beautiful game itself has only won one major tournament (1966 World Cup). The last time they were even in a semi-final of a major tournament, the United States had just launched a new soccer league called “Major League Soccer” and Japan had just released some crazy ass video game system called Nintendo 64. Tournament after tournament, England has found a way to break the hearts of their faithful fans, as everyone else sits back and gets a good laugh.

But I’m not writing this article to make fun of England, its fans, and the consistent choke jobs and underachievement of the team. For once, and I’ll probably regret saying this, I think it actually might officially be the right time to hype up the England national team. I’m not saying that England will win the World Cup next year, because they absolutely positively will not. But if I’m an England fan, my balls are tingling for 2022 in Qatar, 2026 in TBD (if it’s not the United States then FIFA can go to hell), and the European competitions in between. Because here’s the results of England’s youth teams in the past 4 months:
U21 Euros: Reached semi-finals
U20 World Cup: Champions
U19 Euros: Champions
U17 Euros: Reached finals

And here’s a list of notable English players currently under the age of 25:

Harry Kane – 23 (Spurs, ST)
Dele Alli – 21 (Spurs, CAM)
Jack Butland – 24 (Stoke, GK)
Marcus Rashford – 19 (Man. United, ST)
Raheem Sterling – 22 (Man. City, RW, LW)
John Stones – 23 (Man. City, CB)…more on this piece of trash later
Ross Barkley – 23 (Everton, CAM)
Jordan Pickford – 23 (Everton, GK)
Michael Keane – 24 (Everton, CB)
Eric Dier – 23 (Tottenham, CDM)
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlan – 23 (Arsenal, RM)
Calum Chambers – 22 (Arsenal, CB)
Harry Winks – 21 (Tottenham, CM)
James Ward-Prowse – 22 (Southampton, CM)
Luke Shaw – 22 (Manchester United, LB)

Take the best of this group of players, combine them with a group of the best players from England’s recently successful youth teams, and 5 years from now you could have something really legit, on paper. But the key words there are “on paper”. I’m going to throw a bold prediction out there right now that England will reach the semi-finals of the 2022 World Cup in Russia, and I’ll leave it that. As long as England doesn’t pull any more Englands, the future is bright.





P.S. There’s one guaranteed, without a doubt, 1000% way England can continue their failures in the next decade. Here’s a hint: it rhymes with Don Bones. Yeah you guessed it. John Stones. At some point I will probably write a lengthy article with video and statistical proof as to why John Stones is currently one of the worst center backs in the world. This man is truly awful and I have no idea why or how he continues to see playing time for both Manchester City and England. If I’m England I would literally pay John Stones tens of millions of dollars to retire from soccer. Or they could just not put him in or on the squad. I guess that would work too.

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